Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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