If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
