I cannot find my penis.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
