I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
