I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize