4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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