He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
