apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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