I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
