i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
