You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
