So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
