Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
