Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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