I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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