She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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