Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
