I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
