areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
