Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
