I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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