I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
well most of my day revolves around power hour
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
