that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Randomize
