lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
