This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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