life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
