The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
