My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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