I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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