I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
