So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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