I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
