News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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