Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
