you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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