You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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