Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
