just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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