he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
