he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
