I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
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