New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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