dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
