Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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