My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
