I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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