dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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