Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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