Can Purell be used as lube?
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
