I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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