i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
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