Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
