Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I have feelings that need drinking.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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