Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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