How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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