So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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