Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
