the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I wear drunk well.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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