I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
