I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
