There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
