News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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