Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
