My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
